One doesn’t have to go looking for disappointments, stress or pain in life.  Those things are like Pennsylvania potholes- easy to see but hard to avoid.  But concealed along life’s journey is something in equal abundance, but you’ll miss it if you’re not looking for it- it is JOY!  Not to be confused with happiness, joy is the decision to have a positive attitude despite the circumstance because you look for the hope in the situation. Happiness comes and goes based on what is HAPPENING.  See the difference?  There are valleys in life where you have to look really hard for that hope to have joy.  Meanwhile you find out what you are made of and what torments your soul.  In September of 2016 I crawled through that dark valley.  My husband’s quick 4 month deployment had turned into a 10 month Active Duty nightmare due to an injury.  It meant I was alone with my four young sons all week.

Homeschooling.  Cooking.  Cleaning.  Repeat.

All day.  Everyday.

I questioned the normalcy of my mental despair despite the obvious stressful situation.   Just a few weeks ago while in California I heard the story of a young mom named Alissa Roberti that sadly resignated with me- she is a homeschooler, military spouse, works a home based business and struggled with thoughts of taking her own life because she just couldn’t handle it anymore.  She even took out a life insurance policy to make the loss easier for her children.  I’ve never been exactly where she was, but I know exactly how she got there.  She was lonely and overwhelmed.  Too much stress over a long period of time = depression.  Too much depression over a long period of time = you just don’t want to be alive anymore.

By September my brain and my body was desperate for a  break.  I had some help over the summer, but “back to school” meant I was back on my own. I don’t recall what exactly put me over the edge, but I just remember crying out to God while driving one day.  Of all the things I could have requested of the Father, I had it on my mind and in my heart to pray for a daughter.  Females are sparse in my little world.  I’ve had some amazing women in my life over the years, but the ones I get the closest to end up going to heaven unexpectedly or the logistics of the relationship just become impossible for one reason or another.  It is hard to maintain any relationships with a house full of kids, especially when you homeschool.  I didn’t want a daughter right away, but one day, after we moved into a bigger house – that would be ideal.  But my timeline and God’s never seem to be the same.

I enjoyed getting my house back in order from the Christmas chaos after we rang in 2017.  My husband was finally back in our zip code and life was returning to normal.  A sewing project was on my mind, so fabric was cut for a new apron.  In the midst of that I felt this overwhelming need to rid my house of clutter.  After getting rid of paints, yarns, fabrics and even an oven, I wondered why this “nesting” feeling had come over me?  I dismissed the notion of being pregnant but the urge to declutter and organize was strong.

I finally just took a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease – but it was POSITIVE!  What?!  Seriously, how did this happen?  My husband was barely home last month with all the overtime he worked.  Where am I going to put a fifth child?  How am I going to manage five when I’m struggling with four?  My last baby was ginormous and his birth really traumatized me.  I was scared!  The apron pieces were stuffed in a drawer.  I was too stressed out to enjoy making it and needed time to worry.

A few weeks later I started to come to terms with my situation and gave my husband the news while we snuggled in bed one night.

“Are you excited?” he asked.

Clearly he was, but I quietly sobbed that I was afraid.  Jeremy attempted to comfort me, presenting the fact that I did a great job giving birth to our four boys – but it didn’t help much.  His own excitement about the news did bring some comfort though.

Winter was nauseating and exhausting. My two year old Darren started a new routine of coming into my bed each morning at 4:30!  I tried to enjoy his snuggles, knowing that it wouldn’t be long before my new baby bump wouldn’t allow for it.  But I was so tired and felt like my energy would never return.

Fortunately, winters and first trimesters don’t last forever.  As spring emerged, so did my growing belly.  News was spreading about my little bun in the oven.  Everyone was happy for me.  Some thought I was crazy and many said they would pray for a little girl.  Some dismissed those “pink prayers” because it was too late, the baby’s gender had already been decided – but I kept praying.

Knowing that by April I would be feeling much better, I scheduled a vacation to Clearwater.  We hadn’t been to Florida in 10 years!  Our family had been through so much in the past decade – major home renovations, months of family separation, three babies, an insane amount of overtime, and most recently my husband’s broken leg recovery.  R&R was overdue!

I couldn’t wait to chill in our condo nestled along the Gulf of Mexico but rest often takes a back seat to parenthood.  So it was on those shores that I sat with one of my sons.  My heart ached for the conversation we had to have.  No destination is a vacation from sin.  I wanted to escape all of my troubles, instead I was presented with new ones.

The waters of motherhood are uncertain.  The surface can be serene but the undertow is ruthless.  One minute you’re enjoying the view of your kids  then without warning you’re yanked underwater by this unseen force.  Your confidence is gasping for breath and you question everything.  Failure was swallowing me and once again I doubted my ability to handle five children.

But as we were driving to Tampa one day I was encouraged to read “Jesus 4 Gives” in the sky.  To the left we read “Jesus Loves U”  It was just the reminder that we needed.  If I was perfect, if my kids were perfect- we wouldn’t need Jesus.  God put this baby inside of me with full knowledge of the flawed family it would be joining.  He makes no mistakes but loves us through ours and we can rejoice!  

Summer came and the heat and humidity were actually the least of my concerns.  I was so uncomfortable and/or in pain most of the time.  Something wasn’t right, I was feeling 10 months pregnant with twins.  I shared my concerns with the midwife and she said that it was probably due to the fact that the baby was head down, but “sunny side up”.  No wonder I couldn’t sit in a chair and leaning forward to looking for oncoming traffic was near impossible!

Just three days later I got all dressed up for a modeling job – my first one and I was overjoyed about the entire thing.  I love chatting with Candy because she always teaches me something and she has such an uplifting demeanor.  My friend and doctor  needed a pregnant model to demonstrate techniques for an upcoming class in Germany where doctors can learn more about treating an expecting mama with Cranial Osteopathy.  Dr. Boyer turned my baby exactly where it needed to be!  I no longer waddled but had a smooth stride like I wasn’t even pregnant.  Leaning forward at stop signs was no longer a problem and Hallelujah I could sleep again!

 

Before I knew it my due date of September 11th had come and gone!  Who has their fifth baby late!!??  I passed the time with a paint brush at a local art studio, taking the edge off the stress but each day closer to delivery got a little more intense…

My oldest son broke his arm.

My husband was packing his bags for a weekend away with the military.

My doula was also packing her bags for a long weekend in Texas!

My husband sensed my tension (or maybe saw the smoke coming out of my ears!)  So he arranged for his mother to take our children for the weekend right after our son had his cast put on.

Just breathe.

The house was finally quiet.  This was rare.  What to do now?  I was so big I really couldn’t do much of anything but wait.  I had a back up doula available named Mary that I hadn’t contacted yet.  I purposely dragged my feet on that phone call because I honestly didn’t want her.  We didn’t know each other.  She wasn’t in MY plans for giving birth.  She seemed sweet but I decided that I didn’t like her just because I was feeling entitled to be a witch at that point.  Terrible, right?  She agreed to come as soon as I needed her and even bring along some essential oils that I didn’t have for labor.

Ironically the thing that occupied me during this time was what I had shoved in a drawer 9 months before because I was too stressed to focus on it.  So the fabric to make a new apron came back out.  I worked on it for hours without the interruptions of children, but instead the occasional interruptions of contractions.  I felt such a sense of accomplishment until I tried it on and of course it did not begin to fit.  I pictured tying it around my skinny body in just a few weeks as I cared for a family of seven.

My weekend worries of delivering without my husband home diminished as he returned Sunday night.  By the door stood my bags, collecting dust at this point.  But the contractions became regular in the early morning hours of Monday.  My Crock Pot was filled with damp towels sprinkled with Peppermint and Lavender oil.  The combination of heat and oils really takes the edge off of back labor which is very intense for me.  I was ready to head out the door as my husband made his way in to the kitchen but contractions stopped!  After a few hours of waiting for their return we decided to pick up our boys that were still at my in-laws and bring them back home.  No sooner did we get back home and the contractions started again.

We repacked the boys and Jeremy took Jonathan and Daniel to a friends house while my two year old Darren napped.  My nine year old Jason (who has it in him to be a doctor one day) stayed with me in my bedroom.  He carefully timed each contraction for me with an app and reported the spacing and length of each one (staying around 6-10 minutes apart all afternoon).  Because the back labor was intense, he also applied a warm towel to me as I moaned through the pain.  This went on for hours and he stayed with me every minute.

I was determined to have the baby that night, September 18th.  It was my friend Jen’s birthday.  Not just any friend but a girl I had know since 1985ish.  Sadly we had drifted apart after high school and wow just like that, nearly twenty years went by and we really hadn’t spoken.  We went to summer camp together, church and had countless sleepovers.  We knew each other’s families so well and we just enjoyed each other’s company.  When we were kids we would convince my younger brother that I was Chinese because 1 in 5 people in the world were Chinese.  Since I was my Dad’s fifth born I was obviously Chinese, but just didn’t look like it because I was my Mom’s first born.  It was funny to us even if no one else understood.

Well Jen and I reconnected over the summer while I was pregnant.  Guess what she told me…”so this is your fifth baby, you know what that means!”  It’s the little things like that that make my world go round.  She remembered a silly ongoing joke that we had.  Then I remembered my tear filled prayer just a year before.  “God I need other women in my life!”  Never did Jen come to mind.  I thought maybe God would give me a new friend to start a relationship with.  He had better plans because he knew what I really needed.  I don’t have to explain myself to her, she just knows.

So mid afternoon on September 18th I contacted my back up doula Mary to come over with a bottle of Clary Sage essential oil.  I had heard that if labor isn’t moving along, this oil would put it in the fast lane when applied to the inner ankles.  Knowing how fast oils can work, I had a few bites to eat before application.  Contractions instantly went from 6-10 minutes apart to 3-4.  Finally!  It was time to have a baby.

Contractions kept coming as we drove to Birth Care around 6pm.  I was prepared to do whatever it took to relocate my baby into my arms as soon as possible.  Knowing that getting comfy in bed could slow things down, I stayed on my feet, walked around and got friendly with the birthing ball.  Contractions kept coming but little progress was being made.  Exhaustion had arrived around 10:30 pm but I had nothing to show for it.  Mary gently wrapped a Rebozo (Mexican shawl) around and beneath my belly and began to lift during contractions to encourage the baby to go down to exit.  This technique made contractions less boring but I was still pregnant.  Mary’s soft spoken words of encouragement never ceased.  I was feeling drained but never alone with her and my husband by my side every moment.  What a fool I was for thinking I didn’t want her to come.  I would have been lost without her.

Midnight came and went.  I was sad that I had missed Jen’s birthday and oh so tired.  I was catching cats naps between contractions because I just couldn’t keep my eyes open any more.  The midwife Bonnie came in to check my progress around 12:30 am.  I laid down for the first time in a few hours.  Between the different position and Bonnie checking me something had moved because I felt different.  Without warning my water broke, actually it exploded!  That had never happened to me before and took everyone in the room by surprise.  My drowsiness disappeared because I knew it would soon be time to use every inch of my body to push this child out.  In just 30 minutes a new life was in my arms.

What was it like to hear “it’s a girl!” for the first time?  I got that question a lot.  My pain level remained extremely high for 10-15 minutes after delivery.  The contractions didn’t stop.  I finally got to hold a daughter but I lacked the strength to smile.  I was over the moon about having a girl but had no way to express it.

“…weeping may endure for a night, but JOY cometh in the morning.”  Psalm 30:5

“They that sow in tears shall reap in JOY.” Psalm 126:5

The word JOY kept appearing in life and in scripture to me for the past nine months.  I knew it would be the name of my daughter.  A few days later my husband came to the same conclusion and Joy Suzanna Oatman was officially announced to the world.

The boys were excited to have a sister!  But Daniel was elated!  I’ll never forget his first words to her.  “You like me the mostest!”  And she does.  When Daniel walks into the room she lights up, starts flapping her arms and most recently crawls right to him.  Their sibling bond is special.  May it never be broken.

In a perfect world siblings would never be separated.  But it happens.  If you read my recent story Sparrows in a Storm then you know that it happened to me.  For years I’ve been separated from my brother but we’ve been slowing reconnecting.  Seeing his smile brings so much healing to my soul.  I love him so much!  Our journeys separated when he was this kid just out of high school.  But now he is married with three children.  So several different prayers were answered simultaneously with his return.  I now have a sister in-law, another woman in my life!!!  God is good.

Meet Courtney, my sister in-love.  If I had to pick just one word to describe her it would be kind.  She is also thoughtful and full of compassion.  I love how she loves on my kids!  Our family still has so much to walk through but I’m glad someone like Courtney will be the one there for it.  She has been such an unexpected blessing this past year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today we celebrated Joy’s first birthday.  I prayed for a daughter but He “… is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.”  Ephesians 3:20

I wanted a female in my life and was blessed with not only a daughter, but I got my long time best friend back and a new sister in-love.  Valleys of darkness will continue to come and go in my life but I won’t be alone.  It won’t be easy but I’ve learned how to look high and low so that I can find Joy in my Journey.